To me, this time of year always is bittersweet. I love the colours, smells and the crisp air of autumn; the ultra blue skies, and the crunch of leaves under my feet and chestnuts rolling around on the ground. Nature brings such wonderful gifts to those of us who are blessed with this season, especially here in Vancouver.
However, this time of year also brings me pain. I have always suffered the autumn blues, for whatever reason I don’t know. Ever since I can remember, this veil of melancholy would fold around me and linger until winter snapped me out of it. I was born in December, so perhaps winter is my abrupt entrance into consciousness, and autumn the transformation from one way of being – alive in the womb – to another, being alive in the world.
However, over the last 25 years, I’ve actually had experiences that have intensified this melancholic state in the form of losses such as the death of friends and cats. This has definitely added to that most bitter part about this time of year for me. While I can become so enchanted with the autumn sights, smells and sounds, my spirit and psyche become steeped with the sad memories triggered by this season. It’s so hard to shake, no matter what I do.
And this autumn, I am falling again into Fall. I have experienced and will be experiencing even more losses – again! Things, animals and people that I have loved and a way of living that has been full of beauty and comfort for many years, have dried on the branch, and are floating down to the ground like the autumn leaves. Their season is over.
However, these leaves may be dead, but they still hold so much colour and that provides me with hope and comfort that I too will be able to see and embrace colour in my life again, as I make this journey from one way of being and living – to another.
Here’s to Autumn…..or Fall.